February 12, 2020

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My Chemical Pregnancy

September 11, 2017


My first positive... Sept 6 2017 8:30pm

Okay so you all know how open I try to be because... I really feel like we can build each other up and help each other through difficult times. *TMI and emotional stuff ahead*

Wednesday night, after having pregnancy symptoms for DAYS, I took a pregnancy test and to our surprise, it was positive. We were so ecstatic, especially because we've been trying to conceive for 9 months.

Thursday morning I took 2 more tests, both were positive. That day I was feeling fine, just light cramping (which i read was normal) and feeling super bloated, super thirsty and then peeing every 20 minutes, tired, my boobs hurt, but I was SO HAPPY.

Friday morning I was feeling a little more crampy and started spotting, then the bleeding got heavier. It wasn't very painful... but I took another test (a digital one this time) and it was a big fat negative. I thought well, maybe my pee was too diluted... but at this point I was a week past my period and it should have SOME hcg to make it positive by now... so I started researching and started to freak myself out, of course 😑 decided I was either having dicidual bleeding or a chemical pregnancy**

**"A chemical pregnancy is a term used to describe a very early miscarriage. It usually occurs before the fifth week of gestation, or less than a week after your first missed period and positive pregnancy test."

I decided to drive to my family practitioner/ob office to see if they take walk-ins.... I explained the situation to the receptionists and they said "they will just tell you to go to the ER." Well, I drove by the ER (I'm already frustrated crying at this point) and the ER parking lot was so packed, I decided since I wasn't in any real physical pain.... I wasn't going to sit in the ER and most likely be told its nothing, or I was "never pregnant" which is what is usually said with chemical pregnancies because its not detected with ultra sound or blood test by doctors.

So I went home and I took a nap because I was overwhelmed and sad and worried and really didn't know what to do or think. When I woke up, I took another test (different brand) and after an agonisingly long 3 minutes... it was another big fat negative.

I knew then that it was a chemical pregnancy... and I thought I was kinda okay. I had texted Theron the definition of a chemical pregnancy (he was in the shower and I didn't want to say it out loud because I was too emotionally exhausted to speak).... but I think he already knew by the pads and pregnancy tests all over the bathroom. Then, Theron came and hugged me while I was sitting at my vanity. I LOST IT. I thought I was okay... I mean, I only knew i was pregnant for not even 48 hours... but I was SO EXCITED... and then just like that... it was gone.

I just have to say.... my husband is a God-send. He was so calm and loving while I just cried... he understood what I needed and has been so thoughtful... I am truly blessed to have a husband and partner like him.

I feel so dramatic and silly for something that only existed for 4 weeks and 6 days... and honestly it makes me terrified to get pregnant again. I can't even imagine losing a baby any older than I did.

Anyways.... its been a whirlwind of emotions the last few days. I'm not sorry if its taboo or inappropriate to talk about such things. This is who I am, I have big emotions, and I am sad and terrified but... also a little hopeful that we can conceive afterall?

I hope this helps anyone else who might be experiencing this. You're not alone, and its okay to mourn the baby that could have been. Its okay you got excited- and its more than okay if you're now heartbroken.

Anyways, thanks friends for the love, understanding, and prayers ❤


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